The Irony of Trump’s “I’m Not a Dictator, I Just Play One on TV” Routine
Donald Trump has once again reminded us that his idea of leadership is somewhere between “tough guy cop drama” and “Netflix cartel documentary.” This week, he declared that being called a dictator is fine—as long as he gets credit for “stopping crime.” Yes, America, the man who claims to be the hammer of law and order is also the same man passing out presidential pardons like Halloween candy in a gated community.
Day One: Coup Season Pass Holders Walk Free
Nothing screams “tough on crime” quite like pardoning 1,500 January 6th rioters who assaulted police officers, waved flagpoles like medieval maces, and tried to turn the Capitol into a frat house on steroids. Trump’s logic? If the coup attempt was for him, then apparently it doesn’t count as crime—it’s just “patriotism with a felony discount.” Unsurprisingly, many of these “heroes” quickly found their way back into handcuffs, because shocker—criminals tend to keep criming.
From Silk Road to Easy Street
On his second day in office, Trump dusted off his magic wand and pardoned Ross Ulbricht, the kingpin of the infamous Silk Road—a website where “farm to table” meant heroin, meth, and cocaine shipped discreetly to your doorstep. Ulbricht, once sentenced to die in prison, walked free thanks to Trump. Nothing says law and order like unleashing the biggest digital drug lord in U.S. history.
Police Brutality? Don’t Worry, You’re Hired Back
Day three brought redemption for D.C. officers Tara Sutton and Andrew Zabovresky, convicted for chasing a young man to his death and then covering it up. Trump not only pardoned them but practically gift-wrapped their police badges back. Because in Trump’s America, accountability for police misconduct is optional, but loyalty is mandatory.
Reality TV Fraudsters and Crooked Politicians Get VIP Treatment
Trump’s pardon playlist reads like a Bravo reality show cast list meets a congressional ethics committee scandal. He pardoned Rod Blagojevich, the governor who tried to sell Obama’s Senate seat like it was a used car. Then came Brian Kelsey, a Tennessee politician convicted of campaign finance fraud. And for dessert—Todd and Julie Chrisley, TV’s fraud royalty, who conned banks to fund their designer lifestyles. If Netflix is looking for a crossover, this is “Orange Is the New Black: MAGA Edition.”
Electric Trucks That Couldn’t, But Checks That Cleared
Trevor Milton, founder of Nikola Motors, went to prison for faking commercials about trucks that didn’t work. (They literally rolled one down a hill to fake propulsion.) He also just so happened to donate $1.8 million to Trump before his pardon. Call it what you want, but “pay to slay” seems to be the only kind of campaign finance Trump respects.
International Criminals Get the Trump Express Visa
Trump didn’t stop at America’s most colorful criminals—he went international. He helped Andrew and Tristan Tate, accused of human trafficking and sexual assault, escape Romanian charges and set up shop in the U.S. Within weeks, Andrew Tate was already back in legal trouble. Then there was Dawud Hamid Ortiz, convicted of triple homicide in Spain, who got to stroll around free thanks to Trump’s intervention. Who knew “Make America Great Again” was really “Make Criminals Great Again”?
Epstein’s Confidante Gets Special Treatment
And then there’s Ghislaine Maxwell—the woman who allegedly helped Epstein run his trafficking empire. Instead of rotting in maximum security where she belonged, Trump’s team moved her to a cushy minimum-security prison—conveniently after she sat down for interviews praising Trump as a “perfect gentleman.” What a coincidence.
Crime Is Down—But Only If You Ignore Trump’s Crime Wave
Here’s the kicker: while Trump is spinning tales of “American carnage,” actual crime statistics show sharp declines in violent and nonviolent crime across the country. But facts don’t fit the narrative when you’re busy freeing gang leaders, murderers, fraudsters, and reality TV stars. Trump isn’t tough on crime—he’s tough on his enemies and soft on his friends. Think mob boss rules, but with Secret Service protection.
Final Thoughts: A “Tough on Crime” Presidency With a Side of Mob Boss Energy
Every one of these pardons would be a career-ending scandal in any normal administration. For Trump, it’s just Tuesday. He’s not draining the swamp—he’s stocking it with alligators who owe him favors. The self-styled “crime fighter” has created a government where crime doesn’t pay—unless, of course, you know the guy in the red tie with the Sharpie.
