It’s another day on Capitol Hill, where the bathrooms are apparently more controversial than the budget. Let’s dive into the bizarre, satirical, and frankly absurd headlines gripping Washington, D.C.
Speaker Mike Johnson’s Bathroom Ban: Protecting Women from… Toilets?
Speaker Mike Johnson announced this week that transgender women are officially banned from using women’s bathrooms in the Capitol building. Yes, you read that right. In a move that screams “we’ve solved every other issue,” Johnson declared that only those of “biological sex” may enter gendered restrooms.
What’s unclear is how this will be enforced. Will there be a Capitol Bathroom Czar armed with birth certificates at the door? DNA swabs by the paper towel dispensers? Meanwhile, there are still no rules barring bathroom entry for congresspeople with criminal indictments. Priorities, am I right?
Representative Sarah McBride, the first openly transgender member of Congress, fired back with a mic-drop-worthy post: “We’re all just people trying to pee in peace.” Somehow, this feels like a sentence that should never need to be said.
Crypto in the Capitol: A New White House Post?
While bathrooms burn, President-elect Donald Trump’s team is reportedly hashing out plans for a crypto-specific White House position. The blockchain bros might finally get their guy, with rumors flying about a “Digital Asset Czar.”
To be fair, crypto needs regulation—but given the chaos surrounding Trump’s cabinet picks (hello, Matt Gaetz and his mountain of scandals), one wonders if this new role will come with more integrity than a Dogecoin meme.
Matt Gaetz and the Senate Ethics Tango
Speaking of Gaetz, the House Ethics Committee met behind closed doors to decide whether to release its findings on allegations of sexual misconduct involving the former Florida congressman. It’s like Capitol Hill’s version of Whose Scandal Is It Anyway? where the ethics are made up, and the consequences don’t matter.
Republican Representative Michael Guest hemmed and hawed over releasing the report, citing “reservations.” Translation? He’d rather not ruin the ambiance of the Capitol bathrooms with even more bad press.
Rand Paul on Military Deportation: “Terrible Image”
In other news, Senator Rand Paul broke from Trump by slamming plans to use the military for mass deportations. “Our military is trained to shoot the enemy, not collect people,” he said, giving us all a much-needed reminder of what the military isn’t supposed to do.
Paul’s opposition to Trump’s deportation fantasies is one of those rare moments when you remember not every Republican has fully embraced 1984-level governance.
Elon Musk: The Puppetmaster or Just Along for the Ride?
Elon Musk took to X (formerly known as Twitter, but let’s be real, we’re all still calling it Twitter) to clarify his “minimal” influence over Trump’s transition team. Musk insisted he’s merely offered suggestions, which is like a fox saying it “only suggested” which chickens should enter the henhouse.
Musk also described Trump as a “great guy with an excellent sense of humor,” proving that satire doesn’t need writers anymore. Reality has taken the job.
Sarah McBride vs. Nancy Mace: Bathroom Brawls as Policy
Republican Representative Nancy Mace doubled down on the bathroom ban, calling Sarah McBride a “biological man” and asserting she “does not belong in women’s spaces.” Mace’s crusade is a textbook example of solving nonexistent problems while ignoring actual ones—like healthcare, infrastructure, or, dare we say, ethics.
McBride, for her part, remains unbothered. “Everyday Americans go to work with people who have life journeys different than their own,” she wrote, “and engage with them respectfully.” If only Congress could do the same.
Final Flush
So, here we are: Congress can’t pass a farm bill or agree on appropriations, but they’ve got time to debate where people can pee. Meanwhile, Trump is stacking his cabinet with controversial picks, Matt Gaetz’s ethics scandals loom, and Elon Musk is busy “not influencing” anything.
If satire were a sport, Capitol Hill would be undefeated. Until next time, let’s hope the next big debate involves something a little more important than porcelain politics.
