Trump Scores $15 Million Payday for His Museum of Winning
In what might be the most expensive misuse of the word “rape” since bad karaoke night at a frat house, ABC News has agreed to fork over $15 million to President-elect Donald Trump to settle a defamation suit. The lawsuit stemmed from an on-air blunder by George Stephanopoulos, who claimed Trump was found guilty of raping E. Jean Carroll. Spoiler alert: He wasn’t—not according to New York’s painfully specific legal definitions, anyway. The jury did find Trump liable for sexual abuse and defamation, but as far as Stephanopoulos’ wording goes, that extra “R” cost ABC big time.
ABC News Apologizes: The Mea Culpa of the Century
The settlement includes a cool $1 million to cover Trump’s legal fees, because why wouldn’t the man who trademarked “You’re fired” find a way to profit off litigation?
ABC News didn’t just pay up—they also issued what might be the most awkward apology in recent media history. Buried in an editor’s note on the offending article, the network and Stephanopoulos expressed “regret” for their March 2024 interview flub with South Carolina Rep. Nancy Mace on This Week. The note might as well have said, “We’re sorry for mixing up our legal jargon while dodging the existential dread of a live broadcast.”
An ABC spokesperson kept it professional, saying they were “pleased” to settle. Translation? “Please, for the love of ratings, let this nightmare end before we’re sued again.”
Trump Avoids Deposition: A Legal Houdini Act
The timing of the settlement couldn’t be better for Trump. Just as a judge ordered him to sit for a deposition, ABC swooped in with its checkbook, saving Trump from answering potentially incriminating questions under oath. It’s almost as if his knack for dodging accountability is part of some grand strategy. Either that or he’s just got luck rivaling that of someone who wins on a scratched-off lotto ticket.
As Trump preps for his second term, his legal team can now refocus on other pressing matters—like suing CBS for $10 billion over a 60 Minutes interview. What’s next, CNN? A class-action suit against Twitter trolls?
The Jury’s Verdict: Misunderstood or Mastermind?
For those keeping score, the original E. Jean Carroll case didn’t find Trump guilty of “rape” by New York’s legal definition, but it did find him liable for sexual abuse and defamation. Carroll walked away with $5 million in damages, followed by another $83.3 million after further disparaging remarks by Trump. Yet, the nuance of legal definitions allowed Trump to cry foul when Stephanopoulos used the “R” word.
This case wasn’t about justice. It was about who could play the legal chessboard better. And while ABC took a financial hit, Trump walked away with another notch on his “media is the enemy” belt—and, apparently, a hefty endowment for his “presidential foundation and museum.”
What This Means for Media: Beware the Trump
This settlement is just another chapter in Trump’s ongoing war with the press. From The Washington Post to CNN, the former (and now incoming) president has made it clear: misquote him at your own peril. ABC News is now $15 million lighter, serving as a cautionary tale for anyone thinking they can spar with Trump in the courtroom and come out unscathed.
As for the rest of us? We’re left wondering if the next four years will involve more legal dramas, fewer apologies, and perhaps a new wing in Trump’s museum dedicated to “The Art of the Lawsuit.”
Final Thoughts: When the “Fake News” Hits Back
ABC News might’ve settled, but the damage goes far beyond their bank account. Trump now gets to parade this victory as yet another example of his crusade against the so-called “fake news.” Meanwhile, journalists everywhere are left sweating over every word that escapes their lips during live broadcasts.
The moral of the story? In the age of Trump, the pen might be mightier than the sword. LOL, just kidding, he’s just a whiny little child. The media will continue to do what they’ve always done, wait for him to do or say something stupid, record it, report on it, then broadcast it to the world 50 million times.
