The incoming administration’s vetting process—or lack thereof—has already delivered a delightful medley of eyebrow-raising picks, with Christy Noem leading the pack for Homeland Security Secretary. You might know her as the South Dakota governor, or more likely, as “that lady who shot her own dog and goat.” Either way, buckle up, because we’re diving into the résumé of someone whose qualifications seem straight out of a reality show audition tape.
1. Real Estate License Roulette: Family First, Ethics Optional
Christy Noem’s dedication to public service shines brightest when it’s her own family on the receiving end. When her daughter flunked out of the real estate appraiser licensing process (twice), Noem summoned an Avengers-level team of state officials to her mansion for a very important meeting. Shockingly, this meeting unearthed an unprecedented third chance at the exam—because why should rules apply when you have access to the Governor’s Mansion?
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Naturally, the head of the licensing agency who dared to enforce the rules found themselves packing shortly after. Noem’s actions prompted a Republican-led investigation, which concluded her daughter received “preferential treatment.” Lesson learned: nepotism isn’t just alive and well; it’s thriving in South Dakota.
2. COVID-19: Breaking Records in All the Wrong Ways
Under Noem’s leadership, South Dakota achieved global infamy during the pandemic. From record-setting outbreaks in meatpacking plants to hosting super-spreader events like the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, her strategy for combating COVID appeared to be “ignore it and hope for the best.”
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The result? South Dakota hit rock bottom with the highest per capita death rate in the U.S. and hospitals rationing care. If her approach to public health is any indication, Homeland Security under Noem might involve responding to crises with thoughts, prayers, and motorcycle rallies.
3. The Fictional Kim Jong-Un Summit: Staring Down Tyrants, Imaginary Edition
In her autobiography, Noem claims she once stared down North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un, a tale so fanciful it makes Bigfoot sightings seem plausible. When asked for receipts, her spokesperson sheepishly admitted the anecdote was a “small error” in the book.
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Apparently, “children’s pastor” was supposed to prepare her for this imaginary showdown. We’re left wondering: If you’re going to invent a meeting, why not aim higher? Negotiating peace treaties with Martians, perhaps?
4. Texas Smiles, Dakota Frowns: A Cosmetic Conundrum
As governor, Noem found time to film a glowing infomercial for a Texas cosmetic dentist, complete with extreme close-ups of her teeth. Whether this endorsement came with a fat paycheck, free veneers, or just a heartfelt thank-you remains a mystery, as Noem conveniently forgot to disclose those details.
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Meanwhile, South Dakota’s dentists were left wondering why their governor skipped town for her dental needs. Is this what we can expect from Homeland Security? Prioritizing out-of-state solutions over in-house expertise?
5. Puppy-Gate and the Goatocalypse
Noem’s most infamous claim to fame comes from her autobiography, where she gleefully recounts shooting her 14-month-old puppy out of sheer frustration. Not content with just one horrifying tale, she upped the ante by tying the family goat to a pole and shooting it too. Bonus points for needing a second round of ammunition to finish the job.
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Even Donald Trump, famously averse to dogs, reportedly found the story so appalling it derailed her chances of being his VP pick. But hey, Homeland Security Secretary is still on the table. After all, what better qualification for managing national crises than a history of pet-related vengeance?
Bottom Line: Homeland (In)Security Awaits
If this pick doesn’t inspire confidence in our government’s ability to “keep us safe,” it might at least give Saturday Night Live enough material for the next four years. From dubious ethics to pandemic mismanagement and bizarre personal anecdotes, Christy Noem’s track record raises one pressing question: How much damage can one person do with a federal agency and access to ammunition?
Stay tuned, America. If Cricket the puppy or the goat she wronged are plotting revenge, we just might be in for a biblical reckoning.
Taking care of your oral health has never been easier.
ProvaDent is here to support you on your journey to a healthier smile.
